Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Sunny Tuesday

Mutterings continued.

The lovely weather continues. Cold last night and this morning, followed by a shiny day. We had lunch at the Zoo caff (now that the school hols are over we can venture back out into the park) and then wandered back through the Savannah and past the eles. Chad and Taye, the young baboons, were playing chasey while the older females ignored them. Chad had a stick that he wasn't going to let his older brother get a hold of. The Galap tortoises were out and about and actually moving. And the bull elephant was trumpetting very loudly and giving his toys a good going over.

Amusements.

Viz is a UK comic aimed at lads. It's mysoginistic and crude and, occasionally, very funny. Following is a sampling of letters:

Letters sent to Viz
----------
Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes
this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports
personality of the Year. Winning a two- team tournament against a nation
with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never
shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.
Ben Hunt
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish
they'd make their minds up.
John
------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colin Hill
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive.The Royal Mail lose
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme.
She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P, Leeds
------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy (chip shop)on the
Gloucester Road
Alan J., London
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Muslim cleric
Abu Hamsa.
Les, Barnsley
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just
me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the
poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail
------------------------------------------------------------------------
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers
try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of
Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last
time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, e-mail
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I
hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but
isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is
Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.


And now, for anyone wanting to become an Ostayan, this:

Australian Citizenship Test

1. How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Ute while still allowing room for the cattle dog?

2. How many beers in a slab?

3. When packing an Esky, do you put the ice or the beer in first?

4. Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:

(a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, a ham and lots of booze, followed by a pudding you could use as a cannonball, eaten in 40C heat.

(b) A seafood buffet followed by a barbie with a lot of booze and a ham in 40C heat.

(c) a) for lunch and b) for dinner.

5. How many beers in a slab?

6. What is the meaning of "Yeah-Nah"

(a) "Yes and no"

(b) "Maybe"

(c) "Yes I understand and no I don't agree"?

7. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages:

a) Once

b) As often as necessary to cook

c) After each stubby

d) Until charcoal?

8. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:

a) Drinking beer a mate's place

b) Drinking beer at the beach

c) Drinking beer watching the cricket

d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before going to the beach?

9. What is someone is more likely to die of:

1) Red back spider

2) Great white shark

4) King brown snake

5) Your missus after a big night out.

10. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?

11. Name at least five (5) items that must be taken to a BBQ.

12. What does ‘chunder' mean?

13. Explain the meaning of the word bastard?

14. What do the following terms mean:

a) Mate?

b) Maate?

c) Maaaaaaate?


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